Things My Boyfriend Does: Part 4

Normally, my boyfriend acts like any other man...burping, farting, and using sexual innuendos at any given chance. However, give him a lot of booze, and he turns into "Boo-dini," the disappearing homeless man.

First, there was the time we came home from the bar and he passed out under the car. And then there was the time I picked him up from the bar, and after leaving him in the car because he wouldn't get out, I found him lying in the empty lot next door. He has also passed out in the boat, behind the bedroom door, and in the closet. But the reason I'm convinced his alter-ego is a homeless man, is what happened last weekend.

Boo and I attended a late afternoon pool party on Saturday. After a few hours of beer and maragaritas, the crowd thinned out and we decided to leave. Having fell asleep in a hammock, I was exhausted, but Boo and his buddy Pat wanted to soldier on. I dropped them off at a nearby bar and instructed them to call me or get a cab home. After texting Boo to remind him not to stay out all night, I fell asleep.

I woke up at 5:30am and the usual snoring lump was not beside me in bed. Immediately, panic set in. I called Boo's phone only to get his voicemail...seven times. Good lord, he could've been arrested, gotten the shit kicked out of him, or hurt himself in a drunken stupor. At 6:30am, I tried his phone again. He finally picked up on the second call. I yelled, and he apologized in a sleepy, demure voice. He explained that he was not exactly sure how, but he woke up in a bush a few yards from the last bar they visited. He was also missing a shoe. You better believe he walked his ass a mile home, without shoes, to face the wrath of a woman whose other half did not return home as promised. He reeked of booze, was covered in bug bites and his shirt was filthy. I was tempted to give him a dollar and a bottle in a paper sack. He's just lucky I didn't feel well enough to berate him to the fullest extent.

I know. He's precious.