Suspicious Mind

I've come to realize that I am a highly suspicious person when it comes to dating. I guess you could throw some paranoia in there too. I'm pretty certain that this suspicion and paranoia evolved after getting fucked over many times over by people (mostly men) in my life. I'm also pretty certain that the level of suspicion I've continuously carried around makes me justifiably crazy...

"I'm all out of condoms" translates to "I used all my condoms fucking some other girl you have no idea about!"

"I'm at the restaurant grabbing something to eat" translates to "I'm out with someone else, enjoying her company, while you are none the wiser."

"Geez, I don't even remember what I did Friday night, it was so long ago" translates to "I was doing something I wasn't supposed to with someone I wasn't supposed to."

"Can we reschedule because I am sicker than a dog right now" translates to "I'm pretending to be sick because something better just popped up."

I know most of my suspicion stems from having major trust issues. And those major trust issues are a result of dating asshole after asshole who lied to me time and time again. In my defense, however, I have some uncannily precise intuition and I think the suspicion arises when my intuition is trying to warn me. After all, in retrospect, I've been the most suspicious of the worst behaving guys, and had very little or no suspicion with the well behaved guys. Regardless, I rarely pay attention to my intuition, precise or not, and usually kick it in the balls while telling it to shutup. That may be half my problem.

Now, before you go and immediately label me one of those psychotic bitches (although every female is psychotic in one way or another), let me say that I do conceal my crazy thoughts, because I know they are precisely that...crazy mutherfucking thoughts. I don't go around accusing every guy I date of cheating on me because he came down with a fever. Hell, I barely even bring up my suspicions to my closest friends. I just kick those suspicions where it counts, ignore them while they scream in agony, and keep on keeping on. If anything, I am totally prepared for the worst, when I find out that Mr. Right Now was, in fact, a lying son-of-a-bitch dirtbag. And if, by the grace of God, he turns out to be nothing but (near) perfect, I can look at those silly suspicions and watch the fuckers die! Unhealthy? Probably. But it's a nice little area for some self-awareness, personal growth, lessons learned, etc., no?