Well, I'm not smuggling grapefruit

I am assuming the guys that read this think I am a raving lunatic. I bitch about guys nonstop, continue dating the guys I bitch about, and then reveal how I am secretly suspicious of every one of them. Basically, what it all boils down to is me dating all the wrong guys, and unintentionally pushing the right ones away. Contrary to popular belief, I really am a cool chick...and any guy would be lucky to date me. And I'll tell you why.

• I will drink beer with you. Football Sundays, at the beach, at the bar...wherever you see fit, I will most likely agree. And you can be damn certain I will keep the fridge stocked.

• I am an advocate for Guys' Night Out. I don't wanna be shoved up your ass, just as you don't wanna spend every waking moment with me. So go out, get drunk with your buddies, and do what you do best. Hell, hit on some girls if you feel the need. The only rule?? You better be damn sure I am the only woman who gropes you.

• I will never make you come shopping with me. But I can probably bribe you with some nookie in the dressing room.

• I will sit and play video games with you, especially if it involves fighting or racing. I can be quite competitive and I will probably make bets...maybe even involving sex.

• I will buy you gifts and expect nothing (well, maybe some lovin') in return. If I see that Super Troopers DVD you've been looking for or that crazy belt buckle you were looking lustfully at, I will surprise you with it. Seeing your eyes light up with pleasure is all I am looking for. Seriously.

• I don't expect you to pay for everything all the time. I will almost always offer to pay. Although, when you ask me out, it's a nice touch when you pick up the bill.

• Two words: garters and stockings.

• I like sex more than you.

• I have a helluva sense of humor and my favorite thing is when you make me laugh.

• Your friends will like me because I can "hang." I have a witty comeback for any smartass remark, and I can talk just as much smack as they can.

• I watch sports. I definitely don't know everything about any given sport, but I won't complain (much) if you prefer to watch the Official RPS (Rock, Paper, Scissors) Tournament (and I have done this...you know who you are).

Now, I'm not a dude, and I'm definitely no expert on the male psyche. However, I think the prior list qualifies me as a good girlfriend candidate. Now I may be totally wrong in my logic and maybe guys don't want a beer drinking, video game playing, giving, witty, good looking chick with big boobs. Maybe men are all after the champagne drinking, ballet loving, gold digging, humorless chicks with big boobs. Oh who am I kidding. It's all about the boobs.