Talk Sex with Sue

Back in college, K (my best friend and roommate) and I were slightly obsessed with Talk Sex with Sue Johanson. Every Sunday night, we'd settle in front of the TV to laugh at all the freaks that would call in and wait anxiously for Sue to drag out her Hot Bag (a bag full of fun and innovative sex toys). We were extremely entertained because some of the people who called in were legitimately ignorant and shouldn't have been allowed to have sex. When you're 20, you should know by now that swallowing semen will not get you pregnant. And by 25, you should know that the yellow stuff oozing out of you is not normal and you should go to the doctor rather than call a television show for advice. And let's not forget that watching Sue handle a hot pink vibrating penis was entertainment all on its own. Can you understand why we were a bit obsessed?

Not long after we started watching Talk Sex with Sue, our mutual friend and next door neighbor, Becca, confessed to us that she had a genital HPV infection. For those of you who don't know, genital HPV is a sexually transmitted disease that is caused by human papillomavirus. The doctor told her that she should tell her partner and be sure to wear condoms until she was certain the infection had cleared up. We were very supportive of our friend and made sure she fully understood everything (she was extremely dense and sometimes had a hard time comprehending).

A few weeks later, we asked Becca if she had told her boyfriend about her HPV. She said no. After yelling at her, we asked her if she was using condoms. She said no. We proceeded to lecture her on how irresponsible she was being (not that we cared if she gave her boyfriend HPV because we despised him). She rebutted by making up some ridiculous story about the doctor telling her it would go away on its own in a few days. Not being experts on the subject of HPV, we couldn't refute her argument.

A few weeks later, K and I spent the weekend with K's boyfriend, Howard. We happened to be flipping through the channels and Talk Sex with Sue was on. Somehow, in the middle of watching (and after a few drinks), we decided to call in to Sue. What would we ask her, though? After some discussion, K announced that we should call in and pretend to be Becca worrying about her HPV laden twat. Howard knew all about Becca's antics and wasn't very fond of her so he was all for the idea.

K shut herself in Howard's room and attempted to call in to Sue. The malicious prank gods were looking over us because K got right through. K came running out and mimed that she was on the phone. We shrieked with delight. The phone operator asked her what she was calling about and told her to hold for Sue. The three of us jumped up and down, howling with laughter. After several minutes, Sue announced the next caller: Becca from St. Johnsbury, Vermont. K ran back into Howard's room just as Sue put her on the air. K's acting skills were worthy of an Oscar as she pretended to be Becca asking about HPV. Howard and I were rolling on the floor as Sue reamed her out for not telling her boyfriend and set her straight with some HPV facts. The call lasted only about five minutes but it was priceless. We knew the chances of Becca actually seeing that were slim to none which made it even funnier.

So kids, if you ever happen to be watching reruns of Talk Sex with Sue and there's a caller who talks with Sue about anal fisting...Becca from St. Johnsbury and her HPV is the next caller. We have yet to catch it but we're hoping one day we'll be blessed with a little déjà vu. Call us mean-spirited, malicious, assholes...whatever you want, but when you try to pull the wool over our eyes, we go to the experts!