Recently, someone told me I am often ambiguous when it comes to demonstrating my feelings toward someone. This is someone I have been seeing for a few weeks, and while I commend his honesty, it definitely caught me off guard. I have been completely oblivious to my ambiguity and he is the first to make me aware. After some analyzing and one surprisingly useful internet quiz, I realize that not only am I ambiguous, but I am also ambivalent when it comes to relationships.
Shit.
After some thought, my ambiguity/ambivalence makes perfect sense because I am terrified of new relationships. Sure, the novelty and the giddy-as-a-schoolgirl feeling is great in the beginning, but then things move into the phase I like to call the "critical period." This occurs a few weeks into dating someone new. I've decided I'm totally digging this new guy and I'm walking on broken glass. It's a sensitive period because we're both getting to know one another, learning what makes one another tick, or better, what ticks the other off. Usually, it's at this point where things crash and burn, and I'm left wondering what the hell happened or where I went wrong.
After many instances of these crash and burn relationships, I've become a Pavlovian dog of sorts. I've been conditioned to expect the worst when presented with a potential relationship, so I inadvertently hold back in a feeble attempt to save face and some ego bruising. Thanks to my reluctance, I come across as ambiguous, where I don't really give any clues about my level of interest, or I come across as ambivalent, where sometimes I seem interested and sometimes not. Obviously, mixed signals suck, so this very well could be the main source (let's not include the plethora of assholes that were just that) of my relationship failures. What a vicious circle!
Clearly, I am in this exact situation now. Only recently (as in a few days), did I become completely certain he was for me. He's not the type I usually go for, and the Birkenstocks (sweetie, you're not a hippie!) made me cringe. But for once, I could overlook my predilection for bad boys and his questionable fashion sense (at least he didn't wear socks with them!). He's hilarious, outgoing, random, generous, affectionate, his sense of humor and personality complement mine, and the guy obviously needs my expertise in men's fashion. And of course, the more I realize I like him, the more I want to protect myself from getting hurt. So, while it is scary and anxiety-inducing, I have to let my guard down if I want this to go anywhere. I sure as hell don't want him to go anywhere, so the wall is coming down...brick by brick.
Where's the Paxil?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
As if you need it, he's got my approval. I know it doesn't mean much but it's always nice to hear someone else approves. I especially like his "lacks" - lack of skin ink, lack of sideways hat, lack of time served, lack of surrounding drama, lack of attending Lely, and for seeing you this long, obvious lack of brains. But just think, the lack of fashion sense gives you that much needed "project" that all girls love to work on. Having him spend his money on clothes you pick out for him is a girls wet dream.
I think ambiguity is underrated. Keep the bitches guessing!
Post a Comment