100 Things You Need to Know About Woman (51-100)

Taken from Maxim, addenda by me

51. Women often buy shoes a size or two small because they're in denial about the size of their feet—which they can't stand. What? Ok, I can understand buying shoes purely because of the style and having them be torture on my feet. But buying shoes smaller so they can mangle
    my toes just so my feet look smaller?? Not so much.
52. They dream of one day peeing in a urinal. Dream?! What the fuck? No, I can safely say I have never dreamt of peeing in a urinal. I have peed in one because I had to choose between that and peeing down my leg. But why would a woman dream of peeing in a urine-soaked, germ infested hole? We may as well venture into an outhouse.
53. Women know where they stand looks-wise but worry about being considered cool, about which they're unsure. I like sports, I play video games, I have a dirty mind, I read Maxim...of course I'm cool! It's just a matter of finding that guy who thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread.
54. According to the U.S. Bureau of Statistics, 23 percent of 18 to 34-year-old women live with their parents, versus 31 percent of you losers. We usually do it because we have to while men do it for freebies like food and having mom do their laundry.
55. Women want to talk dirty but they're afraid you won't respect them in the morning. Reassure her that letting go in bed doesn't make her less classy and she'll probably go wild. Jäger helps. It takes only one time to learn that talking dirty is a huge turn-on for guys and we'll continue once we get used it.
56. Twenty-three percent of this magazine's readers are women. Yeah, Maxim kicks ass. It's got Cosmo beat in my book.
57. A psycho jealous girl will do anything to keep her man—including anal. Hmm. That girl obviously has issues if she thinks letting a man rail her in the ass will keep him around. If his mind is made up, there's not much that will change it. Although maybe being less psycho would help, perhaps!?
58. About 40 percent of women still call their father Daddy. Not this one. Dad is it. Daddy conjures up skeevy, inappropriate images in my mind.
59. The only way girls who don't know each other can start a conversation and signal that they're nonthreatening is to compliment one another's clothes, shoes, jewelry, or hair. To become BFF, a common enemy is needed. Absolutely. Another common bonding ritual between females is making fun of other girls we feel are threats to us. Petty? Yes. But it's how we work.
60. If she suddenly cuts her hair short, it might mean she no longer cares what you think of her. But that doesn't mean she doesn't care about someone else's opinion. Sometimes guys just don't know what is "in" and stylish since they mostly prefer long hair. We'll ask other people their opinions and majority wins. Voila...short hair.
61. About half of all brides will lose a good friend over a ridiculous bridesmaid squabble. Girls feel like their role in a friend's wedding determines their importance to the bride. Old friends, new friends, soon-to-be family...it all gets really complicated and bickering ensues.
62. It never hurts to say you're sorry even if you don't mean it. Apologizing to us is acknowledging you pissed us off in some way. As long as you acknowledge it, you don't have to mean it (we'll never know).
63. Let her beat you at something once in awhile—poker, chess, ping-pong—and she'll be more likley to give you what you want, like some peace and quiet. Doubtful. Let me win and I will rub it in. Let me win, then act all defeated and I will feel bad and probably give you what you want...in bed.
64. Women's public bathrooms are about three times more disgusting than men's. I'm not so sure. I've walked through puddles of urine in the men's bathroom before. Sure, the women's bathroom can get pretty gross but we sit down to pee preventing any misfires or backsplashing.
65. "At one point or another, I've gone through your things looking for any evidence from past relationships. I'm talking photgraphs, postcards, mementos, address books, diaries. If you don't like it, get rid of this stuff before letting me in your apartment. It's not about trust; it's about curiosity and it drives us crazy til it's been satiated." With me, the past is the past. Now give me a reason to make me doubt you and our relationship, and I will try to look for evidence. Then it's about trust.
66. Like you, girls hate nothing more than a clingy partner who needs them every eight seconds. We like a happy medium. We don't want you hanging all over us but then again, we don't like it when you ignore us. We don't want to feel smothered but we don't want to think you're not that interested either.
67. Chick rock strikes a deeply primal chord inside women while simultaneously revolting men. Just sit back and let her sing the Sarah McLachlan or Ani DiFranco song. It's only about four minutes long. We listen to you when you break out in a classic rock anthem, a carefully crafted football cheer, or those annoying Lil' Jon "yyeeeaaaahhhh"s, so you can deal.
68. The average woman owns eight bras and wears each one five times before washing. On average, I would agree. I try to avoid washing them incessantly since the underwire tends to pop out sooner. I'll probably get 3 days at the most out of a bra before washing. And the twins don't sweat so they stay pretty clean.
69. Girls will not sit ony any toilet outside their own home or a five-star hotel. Everywhere else they're hovering above the toilet in a squat. If the bathroom and toilet is really clean then I will sit. If it's semi-clean, I'll cover the seat in toilet paper or use one of those seat covers. If it's nasty, then I still cover the seat and hover.
70. Got a new girl coming over? Your (tidy) bathroom should include clean linen, a box of Puffs Plus and several full rolls of TP. Don't forget the hand soap and make sure the toilet seat doesn't move when you sit down.
71. "Don't caress our faces while we're kissing unless you really, really, REALLY like us." Uh, what!? But it's ok for you to put your mouth on ours even if you don't really, really like us? No. That chick is weird.
72. On a first date, women never order what they really want to eat. I order frugally because usually he's paying and I don't want him to break the bank for a date that may never happen again. That doesn't mean, however, I will order something I don't really want.
73. Breast augmentation surgery has grown by 257 percent since 1997. The most popular size? C cup. As if you didn't know. Duh. Guys like big boobs. See what we go through to please them?
74. Gain her trust when you're out by calling her at 10 p.m. She'll go to bed content you're thinking of her, even if you're slurping Jell-O shots off some skank's cleavage. Yes. Little gestures like a phone call, text message or a handwritten note that lets us know you're thinking of us will definitely earn you mucho Brownie points. Yes, even if you are texting her with Jell-O reminants on your chin (we'll never know).
75. Put down the Drakkar and grab a box of Good & Plenty. Women are turned on by the scent of black licorice. I hate black licorice but I bet unconsciously, the scent makes us a lilttle randy. What a good experiment!
76. At least one of her friends wants to sleep with you. Duh. I don't date ugly guys so obviously at least one of my friends would want to slip between the sheets with my hottie. They probably won't act on it or let it be known...but it's true.
77. A good but flawed man is a fixer-upper gem, and women love nothing more than home improvements. Sure, a little cosmetic tweak, fix the roof, trim the bushes, mow the lawn...but attempting major structural and/or internal improvements are just not worth it.
78. Every woman is self-conscious about her ass. Tell her you love her ass and you'll see it more often. Not always the case. But she is self-conscious about a certain body part(s). Figure it out, compliment her on it, and you're golden.
79. If you want more sex, tell your girl an attractive woman hit on you that day. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time. First of all, if it works only sixty percent of the time, it's not every time, is it? Second, that little plan may backfire if we think you may have returned the flirtation, whether it's even true or not. Third, it doesn't take much to seduce your girl...a little attention goes a long way.
80. More than half of surveyed females between 18 and 25 would prefer to be run over by a truck than be fat. Who the hell are these girls?! Why would I want to risk looking like I went through a meat grinder in lieu of being fat? "Oh my eyes are now on my cheeks and my lips are sideways but at least I'm not fat!" What the fuck!?
81. All women think they're smarter than their partners in some significant way. Because they most likely are in some way or another. Guys generally think they outsmart us when it comes to cars, sports, fishing and other "manly" things...incidentally, we generally think we outsmart the men in womanly areas of expertise. It will always be woman vs. men, Mars vs. Venus.
82. The more piercings she has, the more places she'll let you put it. I think it has to do with the more piercings she has, the more of an adventurer she is. Therefore, she'll be more willing to try new things and possible let you put it in different places. However, it doesn't necessarily mean she WILL let you put in those places. And there are equally adventurous women with little or no piercings that will let you, too.
83. Once in awhile, let her pick the movie and don't complain about it. I'm not one to make a guy watch a sappy chick flick with me, but a good compromise is always good. Don't make her watch the gore-filled, blood baths you like and she won't make you watch the kissy-face, tear jerkers she likes. Pick one that you both can enjoy and watch your favorites in your alone time.
84. Any good woman will tell ya, honesty is not always the best policy. Yes. There are times for honesty and there are times when it's ok to fib a little. It doesn't take much time for the guy to figure it out.
85. Chicks aren't afraid to get kinky; you just have to have the nerve to ask. Or get us drunk.
86. Girls don't want to date doormats. So make her proud and refuse to give up bowling night with the guys. Yes, don't always give in to us. That makes things boring and then we start to expect it all the time.
87. Don't take a woman to a concert you really want to see—she'll just want to leave early. Absolutely NOT. I am very appreciative of almost all genres of music. Concerts are the best way to experience it and I will refuse to leave early unless I am vomiting on everyone's shoes.
88. "Women appreciate a big penis, but having one doesn't give you an excuse to suck at foreplay." YES YES YES! And that big penis isn't going to fit anywhere if you don't warm it up first.
89. Studies show women are more attracted to "macho" guys near ovulation. The rest of the month, they're drawn to "good providers," otherwise known as chumps. Unfortunately, the odds are against you macho guys then. You have about four days to a week to attract (and keep) a female. The rest of the month you're outdone by those so-called "chumps." Apparently, I'm picking up all the guys when I'm ovulating because they're all overly macho assholes.
90. She likes one of your friends. Like as in...? Yeah, chances are I will get along with at least one of his friends. Now, liking them anymore than that is a long shot.
91. Ugly girls like to hang out with pretty girls because it makes them feel like they're more attractive. Pretty girls hang out with ugly girls for the same reason. I think naturally, women tend to hang out with other women who are in the same "league" as them. They tend not to have friends that are way more gorgeous and they tend not to have friends who are hideous beasts. We naturally (and probably unwittingly) select friends who are similar in looks, style, etc.
92. The minute she decides she's even mildly interested in you, she starts making mental pictures of what your kids would look like and imagining her first name with your last. Let's nix the mental image of the kids...way too early for that. But the last name thing...definitely. I don't want to realize too late that my first name sounds horrible paired with his last name. Prime example: Julia Gulia.
93. Sixty percent of women in the United States color their hair, according to L'oreal (who are obviously hoping they can peer pressure the other forty percent). What, you didn't get the memo? Most of us hate our natural hair color. Why the heck do you think we spend so much time and money at the salon?
94. Dated a stripper? Keep your mouth shut, stupid. I do NOT care, so do NOT mention it.
95. Rub a sheet of medium-grade sandpaper across your face. That's what your five o'clock shadow when you kiss her. Now rub that sandpaper on your inner thigh. (Mind you, we're not suggesting you shave). There is nothing worse than the telltale sign of hooking up: beard burn on your face. It's right up there with a hickey.
96. Female serial killers tend to use poison rather than guns or knives. Yah, so watch out, you'll never see it coming.
97. Foghat's "Slow Ride" is not about a trip in the car. Get the hint? Get the lyrics. Still don't get it? We loathe the guy who rushes to stick it in only to be done minutes (or seconds) later.
98. The one breakup line she'll never be able to argue you out of: "I'm sorry, but I no longer have feelings for you." True. It hurts but we'll get the hint. And it keeps us saner than telling us you having feelings for someone else.
99. Buying a present for your girl? She'll hate it (and you) if she finds out you took along another woman to help pick it out. Unless it was your mother or sister...then it's probably acceptable.
100. You'll probably never know how many guys she's slept with. The standard lie is five. Which really means about 12. It's just like the age old question: How many licks does it take to get the center of a Tootsie Pop? The world may never know. You can guess all you want.