100 Things You Need to Know About Women (1-50)

taken from Maxim, addenda by me.

1. Girls enjoy always having something kind of wrong, like a headache or cramping or something. Remember: no matter how bad it sounds, she's going to outlive you. And we WILL use our ailments to our advantage in any and every way possible.
2. Most women will not have sex for the first time with a guy unless their legs are shaved. If your date shows up and you spot stubble, she's trying to keep herself in line. Sometimes we'll ignore the leg hair if we're really horny, but if our unmentionables are stubbly, forget it.
3. No matter how much she reassures you, if you can't get a hard-on, she assumes you're not attracted to her. Even worse: when you get a hard-on and lose it. Worst: After half an hour, you still can't keep it hard.
4. Beware of your girlfriend's single party friend or gay bud. They want her to be single with them and will encourage any bad behavior as often as possible. Good news for you: the single party friend will probably encourage bad behavior such as making out with her and fondling each other.
5. Jewelry. Now you always know what to get her for a last-minute gift. One word: Tiffany's. We love that blue box.
6. The sight of you in your socks and underwear is the biggest turnoff in the world. Not so bad in just underwear, but just socks looks fucking ridiculous!
7. Never trust a girl who has no girlfriends. She doesn't get along with other women because she's either bat-shit crazy or just plain mean. And she probably beats up women prettier than her.
8. Girls who say "I love sports!" are lying. Girls who ask you what time the game is on without specifying which game they're talking about, are not. True, unless she's assuming (as I would) that you're a Pats or Red Sox fan and specifies that they are about to kick some ass.
9. A random hookup is more likely to result in pregnancy because a woman has more sex when she's most fertile. Unless she's got a really high sex drive (ahem) and has more sex when the option is available so the likelihood would be the same regardless.
10. She still has all the love letters and cards from her past boyfriends. Yes, but only to remind myself how retarded and blind I was back then.
11. Just started dating? Women want you to drive, even if it's their car. Yes, so we can fix ourselves if necessary or maybe we just want to play a little game of "road head."
12. A girl would prefer to get a $100 gift from Tiffany & Co. than a $500 gift from Fortunoff. Why? Because her friends will ask where she got it. Duh. Tiffany jewelry is way easier to spot than a no-name diamond bracelet. Now if you get Tiffany jewelry with diamonds, SCORE!
13. "If I give you my number on Friday, Tuesday and Wednesday are your best bets to score a date. Monday is too desperate and Thursday is too late." And every girl has read "He's Just Not That Into You" which states that as a rule.
14. Your female co-workers are obsessed with the fact that on average they receive less pay than than male counterparts and the fact that they work less overtime and get pregnant is irrelevant to the discussion. Obsessed? Not so much. Concerned? Yes. We should get paid more just for the hassle of dealing with men alone.
15. Laying a towel down over the wet spot is like putting your jacket over a mud puddle for her, you noble bastard. Extra points if you offer to sleep in the wet spot instead.
16. A recent study revealed that natural blondes could be extinct in 200 years, so unless she's Norwegian, her towhead might be bottled. Most of us color or highlight our hair anyway even if we are blonde. Check for the telltale dark roots and you'll know for sure.
17. Sixteen percent of American men have been with a prostitute; scientific proof most women are decent in bed. Yah, we know what we're doing. It doesn't take a woman much effort to be good unless she's shy, crippled or dead.
18. Women always want to believe what you're saying is true. Yes, of course. But the odds that it is true or not embellished in any way are slim to none.
19. What do woman really want in bed? More blankets. They get colder than men. Yes, but a warm masculine body snuggled up next to me will do just fine. Blankets then can be optional.
20. The threesome is not about you; it's about the two girls. If you're lucky enough to score one with your girlfriend, enjoy sex with the other one because there's a good chance it'll end the relationship. I have not had the pleasure of a threesome but there's definitely a high risk of relationship doom after one. As long as you don't get too into the other girl, you'll probably come out fine.
21. If women have an excuse to take a pill, they'll take it. Depends on the pill. I'll usually pass up ibuprofen unless the aches and pains are pretty bad. Birth control...now that's a really good excuse for taking a pill.
22. Never trust the woman who gives you the best blow job you've ever had. This is a tough one. Granted, the woman who's a pro at head has had plenty of practice. But she still may be totally devoted to you (and your penis).
23. "I hate when my boyfriend is sweaty and tries to lie down on top of me or cuddle after I've come. Wait five minutes." Yes, please. The proper etiquette is to roll over until the warmth and sweatiness have subsided. Once you've both cooled down, assume the position of spooning, cuddling, etc.
24. The average woman kisses 79 men before getting married. Yeah, I've kissed a lot of men. Some I liked, some I didn't. I've kissed a lot of other girls too, so that shouldn't be a influential factor.
25. She hates your Xbox more than she lets on. Blow her off for some gaming and she'll soon stop wasting time on a dork like you. I beg to differ. I love playing video games. As long as you include me in your game playing sometimes, I won't complain.
26. Women who are obsessed with their dogs also like to keep their men on a short leash. What? Ok, I think you forgot to mention what type of dog. Girls who are obsessed with their poodles or chihuahuas probably like to control their men. Girls who are obsessed with their Jack Russell Terriers or their Labrador Retrievers are probably not so controlling.
27. "Girls who buy their men lap dances and pretend to enjoy it are kidding themselves. They're trying to keep him happy with some controlled freedom." True. We don't like to see other women (especially mostly nude, kind of slutty women) rubbing up on our man. But we still like to seem we're cool with things like that.
28. Over the course of her life, a woman will use 10 men for every one she loves. If you lent her your car or helped her move and didn't get laid, you're one of the 10. Now there's a difference in using a man you barely know and recruiting a guy friend who doesn't mind helping out his lady friend regardless of getting laid or not. Granted, in either situation they were probably hoping to get laid anyway.
29. During emergencies, women are likely to remain calmer than men. Though it should be noted that inventing minor crises on a weekly basis gives them more practice. Ok, we can be dramatic BUT we're also likely to think more logically in a crisis than men who act before thinking.
30. "Women grow hairs in a lot the same place that men do, lower abdomen, nipples, we just get rid of them." Abso-fuckin'-lutely. We're supposed to be nice, smooth and hairless.
31. Unless they're lesbians, she won't approve of your hanging out with other girls. Even if they're ugly. And, really, even if they're lesbians. Yeah, when it comes to other girls hanging with our men, we're not so gung ho. Even if she has three eyes and hair like a Yeti, we still feel threatened to some degree. Men usually don't freely allow their women to go hang with other men so why should we?
32. If you have something to hide, she'll find it. And don't you think for a minute that we won't. Most of us have this eerily accurate sixth sense when our man has done something wrong or has something to hide. Plus, we have excellent lie detection.
33. Eighty-five: the number of males per 100 females in Gary, Indiana, lowest male-to-female ratio of any city with a population of 100,000 plus. The highest male-to-female ratio in Salinas, California: 114 males for every 100 females. That sucks. Moral: don't move to Gary, Indiana if you're looking for a large selection of available men.
34. Kiss her before two dates have gone by or you'll be "friended." Seriously, if you don't make a move by then, we can assume you're too shy or something else is wrong with you. I mean you wanted a second date so why aren't you acting interested?
35. Woman can't live without tension. Every once in a while, she's gonna pick a fight with you for no reason. Accept this as a running, inevitable theme and your relationship will make a lot more sense. Even though we won't freely admit it all the time, we do like some drama. It spices things up. And when we pick a fight, deal with it and you'll reap the reward of making up with us later.
36. The most painless way to end an argument: let her win. See above. Let us win and you'll be having some nice make up nookie in no time at all.
37. An online dating service's survey found that a woman's ideal man has brown hair and blue eyes. Ok, as long as you're attractive to us and possess the QUALITIES we're looking for, hair and eye color don't really matter. Honest.
38. In the US, 21 percent of women ages 18 to 59 hold out for their honeymoon. That just means that 79 percent of us can't help ourselves.
39. A British study claims a woman's chances of getting married drop by 40 percent for every 16-point rise in her IQ. The same increase in IQ for a man boosted his chances of getting married by 35 percent. Apparently, smart men want to marry dumb women. And us smart women (who can carry on actual conversations) are actually not marriage material. Is that why I'm still single?
40. When a woman tells you her problems, she does not want you to offer solutions. Exactly. We tell you so we can have someone to listen to our problems, not someone to lecture or tell us how to solve them. Just nod and at least pretend to listen.
41. Women often cite manhandling of breasts as the biggest foreplay faux pas. I would say the biggest faux pas is the missed stop downtown. But manhandling breasts is a big no-no. It does not feel good. A light caressing is nice but grabbing and squeezing hard makes us cringe.
42. "When I'm drunk, I can't come. Not even with a vibrator." Depends. Sometimes when we're drunk, we let go a little and can come harder than ever. If we're completely sloshed, then we'll probably pass out before having an orgasm.
43. If they're going to do it, most wives cheat between the ages of 18 and 29. Statistically speaking, probably. But the key word there is "if." And if the wife cheats, you married the wrong girl, buddy.
44. Most women think they're better drivers than they are. Don't point this out while she's at the wheel or she'll freak out and crash. See #11. This won't matter if you're driving. Most of us know if we're good or bad drivers. We'll freely admit when we suck. There are those that think they're good when they're not. These are the same women that think they're good singers, good in bed, etc. when the opposite is true. Avoid them.
45. Women ingest about half the lipstick they apply, which means they eat approximately one tothree sticks per year. We also ingest sperm, so what?
46. The best looking women often possess the least self-confidence. More often than not. A phenomenon we can't explain. There are many variables that cause this.
47. A woman might say she just wants sex, but sleep with her for awhile and she'll change her tune. "I've known so many women who think they can pull this off, but they always develop feeling for the guy." Unfortunately, this is true. Women have the uncanny ability to form emotional bonds quickly (whether we want to or not). Sex is an intimate act and it often opens the door for such a bond. It's hard for us to ignore the emotional part of us and just have unadulterated sex.
48. According to the American Association of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery, Angelina Jolie's lips were the most requested celebrity feature among all female patients in 2004. Because in some way or another, we all want to be one of those smokin' hotties that can wrap our pouty lips around your member while you drool lustfully.
49. Despite always complimenting another woman's short haircut, she secretly celebrates having one less competitor since men prefer long hair. No. If she's still hot, then she's still a competitor whether she has short or long hair. Guys don't discriminate when a girl is easy on the eyes.
50. Don't call her "cute." In her mind it's the same as "not vomit-inducing." "Sexy," Ok. "Hot," yes. "Fucking awesome," only if she's at least slightly buzzed. Cute is a nice way of telling a girl she's not totally busted. Want to compliment us? Beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, and hot all work nicely. Bonus: compliment her on a specific feature (i.e. her perfect legs, sexy smile or mysterious eyes).