I love pain.

"I love the way you look at me, I feel the pain you place
inside, lock me up inside ya dirty cage, while I'm alone inside my mind."

Last night, it suddenly dawned on me. I am a masochist. Not the "spank me silly and call me bitch" kind of masochist usually partnered with sadism(although that can be fun), but the kind of masochism where I continually inflict emotional and sometimes physical pain upon myself.

Relax, I don't cut myself or repeatedly bang my head against the wall, although some days I'm tempted. But I will inflict that gut-wrenching kind of pain when I look at his picture; or that heartbreaking kind of pain when I look at his picture with her; or that "I swallowed a baseball" lump in the throat kind of pain when I hear Pearl Jam. I know when I do those things, it's gonna make me feel "fuckerific", but something inside me forces me to do them anyway. A glutton for punishment, a masochist; that's me!

I will find myself in a situation that is temporarily satisfying. I know soon enough it's going to stop being satisfying and become painful. Instead of removing myself and preventing any sort of pain, I keep it going. It's kind of like when you injure yourself. You find yourself saying "it hurts when I do this." Well, it wouldn't hurt if you stopped doing it, but you keep doing it anyway. It's almost like I keep going to see how far it can go before the pain becomes unbearable. (Thought: Is that why I love getting pierced and tattooed?)

I have yet to figure out what sort of pleasure I derive from pain but I know it's there. Maybe that low feeling of pain makes that high feeling of pleasure even more pleasurable. Maybe the pain makes me feel stronger. Maybe I'm just testing my pain threshold. Maybe I'm testing myself as a person. Whatever it is, I'm learning that it's part of who I am. I'm not exactly sure how far I'm willing to take it. I don't forsee a dirty dungeon, restraints and some crazy spankage...although I'll never say never! *wink*

"Only the one that hurts you can make you feel better, only the one that inflicts pain can take it away"