Loser Magnet

Categorically, guys can be one of two things: losers or potentials. Lately, I've been trying to be optimistic that I will find a potential. I've held high hopes for a handful of dates that turned out to be less than pleasant. Then I think maybe it's me? Do I have neon flashing over my head comparable to that of a grimy strip club that reads "I love losers! Come one, come all!?" Like a moth to a flame, the losers seem to gravitate toward me. They must multiply at an astonishing rate because I haven't caught sight of a potential in quite some time and the losers are swarming like a hive of angry bees. And it has been this way since I started my descent into the catacombs of the dating world.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Let's start with Zeke*. He was my first "boyfriend." My parents hated him and my dad fondly nicknamed him "Horse Face" as his face was a little on the long side. He worked at the local grocery store and as a loving gesture, he would often bring me rotten flowers that the store didn't sell that day. How cute. He had a slight obsession with another girl in his class (he was 2 years older) which I never quite understood. They were too close for comfort. Many rotten bouquets later, I said goodbye to Zeke.

William* had his eye on me while I was with Zeke. William was cute, but somehow I was crazily into Zeke. When I finally threw in the towel (or rotten carnation) with Zeke, I started hanging out with William. We hit it off and started dating. Everything was peachy. That is until one day he told me he needed a break. I now know that translates into "I want to be single so I can do whatever and whomever I please." It didn't last long and he came crying back. Did I take him back? Does a bear sh*t in the woods? Things were back to peachy. Somehow he started hanging out with some chick that was not very single. Before I knew it, I was thrown out in the cold with this chick (who scarily resembled Beavis, Butthead's companion) slamming the door in my face.

Mick* and Talan* shall receive honorable mention as I would hardly consider them guys I dated. Mick came into the picture my senior year, as I was getting the crazies out of my system. One particular crazy and blurry night, one thing lead to another. You know the rest. We hung out on occasion and he even got me a bouquet ( a FRESH one!) on Valentine's Day. Cute, right? Well, not long after that I got the ax. Dating just wasn't in our best interest. No, dating ME wasn't in his best interest because his interest was on some anorexic (now quite chunky, KARMA baby!) in our class. Talan actually was one of the nice ones so I don't know why I am mentioning him. I definitely sh*t on him and regret that I let a potential get away.

I actually broke it off with Talan to be with Clark*. He was one of the first guys I met at college. Strangely, my first impression of him was that he was a little femme and maybe even gay. NOPE! One romp-fest later, we were an item. Clark was actually the best boyfriend I have ever had. He would buy me beautiful roses for no reason, gave me lots and lots of massages and absolutely loved going down on me. No complaints here. Our demise started when he came to live with me for a summer. I was working 45-50+ hours a week while he was leisurely putting in about 20 hours. Instead of being sympathetic, he actually thought I was lazy. He broke it off before we went back to school that August. Now he's dating some manly woman...so maybe he is a touch on the femme side!?

I got off the dating bandwagon for awhile and decided hooking up and casual sex was the best way to go. I finished college while maintaining that attitude. Hey, it saved me a lot of trouble.

Cruz* and I talked for almost a year before we met. He was really hairy, took a loud, sh*t with me within earshot and looked like a monkey when he chewed. No thanks. I'll go to the zoo for that.

Ryan* is in another whole ballpark as he was the hardest to figure out. Sex on the first date probably didn't help matters as it never usually does. He seemed into me at first, even to the point where he was whining that I didn't like him when I obviously did. We did the normal "new phase" things: the fondling, making out on the couch, etc. Suddenly, things got weird. He would come to hang out and lay on the floor. We would only hook up when we were drinking. Instead of phone calls, I got IMs and text messages. Most people would say "Duh! He's just not into you anymore." And I thought the same so I mentioned something. I didn't get a straight answer, but I didn't get a "I'm not into you," either. Alas, the vicious cycle continued until I was fed up enough to say something and he was honest enough to tell me the truth. When he moved away, he didn't even say goodbye. Booooo.

Barry* was revolutionary on my list of things that are skeevy (see my list of how NOT to make a woman throw up). He put up a good front; mature, intellectual, career-minded. However, once he let his guard down...forget it. Not only did he grope me to no end, he humped my leg like a dog, slapped my ass like he was slapping his buddy five, and thought that my pants were optional. How degrading. ICK.

Can dating get any worse than that? Can you blame a girl for wanting to turn lesbian after experiences like that? With that said, can someone enlighten me on what is wrong here? How can I demagnetize my loser magnet? How do I turn off that pesky flashing neon light? Must I resort to pre-date screenings? I'm not getting any younger and the potentials are not turning up any faster. I need to be rescued.