For the Guys

A Guide to Not Make Woman Throw Up in Your Presence (or when you leave):

1. Do not take a ginormous, LOUD, smelly sh*t when they are a mere 3 feet from the bathroom door.

2. Do not allow your body hair to grow out of control and sporadically and then take off your shirt like you are King Sh*t on Turd Island. Imagine the forest fire that could result if you add some friction. Third degree burns are not HOT.

3. Try to chew your food nicely. Otherwise you look like a virgin teenager making out with his hand. Oh, and leave the breathe-y noises out too.

4. You may think we didn't notice, but we did notice you clandestinely picking your nose. I hope you wiped it on yourself.

5. If you're thinking of wearing sandals or flip-flops, please, PLEASE trim your toenails. Talons are not HOT.

6. Same goes for fingernails. Keep them trimmed short and CLEAN. I don't want to worry about being lacerated if you try to hold my hand. Also, I don't want to wonder when the last time soap actually made contact with your skin. (Exception: if your known profession is working with cars, or something to that effect, you have an excuse. Still, you should smell nice!)

7. Shop around for deodorant/anti-perspirant. When you begin to smell like the men's locker room after 4 quarters and it's only 2pm, you need something better! I shouldn't have to invest in a gas mask to be around you. And it doesn't hurt to reapply throughout the day!

8. Try to stay physically fit. Man titties are just not HOT!

9. Before even meeting us, joking or not, do not demand we show you our boobs. I don't care how many times I blew you off, you're not seeing them, EVER! Go buy Playboy.

10. PLEASE dress somewhat fashionably. I will not be seen with "brown belt, black shoe guy" (or vice versa),"socks with sandals guy," "I just pulled my shirt out of the hamper guy," "I painted my ceiling in this outfit guy," or "my shoes have ginormous shiny buckles on them guy." Get the advice of your metrosexual friend or any female before you venture out on a date.

Guys, if you follow these handy little tips, you won't have to wonder why her face just turned a weird shade of green and she's running like hell. That's not HOT!