Lately, I've been feeling a little unfulfilled. I can't really pinpoint what it is, but it's been gnawing at me for quite some time. Maybe it's the fact I am moving out of my apartment and back into my parents' house because I can't really afford an apartment on my own. Or maybe it's the fact that I'm making piss poor money for the degree I have which is preventing me from affording said apartment. I hold a bachelor's degree and I could probably make what I'm making now by just answering phones minus all the other responsibilities I currently have, none of which are really helping me refine my graphic design skills. My co-workers and I have also recently been coerced into helping my boss with insurance fraud. He's not being outright fraudulent but it's pretty shady stuff for a so-called Christian man to be doing. The crazy thing is I do enjoy my job when I'm not being bitched at and/or partaking in insurance fraud.
That said, I have been looking for new jobs; some here in Florida and some in New England. I found a particularly interesting one in New Hampshire where my best friend lives. I applied and they've already called me for a phone interview. Moving to New Hampshire would mean living with my best friend again who I have more fun with than anyone else. I would also be closer to a good majority of my close college friends whom I miss dearly. And there's a lot to be said for a certain someone in Boston. But despite all that, I'm not sure if that's what I really want to do. I'd be 1,600 miles away from my parents who have been my saviors, pulling me out of some potentially messy situations. My dog Lexxi would most definitely miss her play sessions with her cousin (my parents' dog). And lastly, I have met some good people who I would hate leaving.
That said, I'm also finding I'm not meeting the right people. Sure, I have a handful of close friends I spend the majority of my time with. But I want to broaden my circle of friends and I'm finding it hard to do. I'm not the type of person who'll just hang out with anyone. I prefer my friends to share similar interests and outlook as me. I am outlandish and perverse and expect my friends to be as open as well. I hate nothing more than not being able to be myself around others. I am also slightly introverted which does make it a little more difficult to put myself out there and meet new people, let alone people I want to spend time with.
That said (sensing a pattern?), I'm also beginning to think this is not the optimal place to meet men. It's safe to say that I'm slowly growing tired of singledom (did I just make that word up?). Don't get me wrong, dating is kind of fun but I've had my fair share of playing the field. It's gotten to the point where it's more of a joke. I'm always half-expecting the guys I date to have some weird affliction, asshole tendencies or to just completely revolt me because in my experience, that's always what I find! I did meet one guy who surprisingly did not revolt me although he was totally not my type. Actually, I really started to like him a lot (and I still do) but somehow we fell into this bizarre limbo between friends and "more than friends" which I never fully understood, as much as I tried to. It hurts when you like someone, knowing they don't totally feel the same way. I don't like it and makes me want to run far away from it.
Actually, I think the same can be said of all the preceding things I mentioned. I'm not usually one to run away from my problems. I know life isn't meant to be easy and you have to play with the cards you've been dealt, which I am usually pretty good at. However, this gnawing, unfulfilled feeling is starting to become quite overwhelming. I'm not sure what my next steps should be. I just wish I would have a revelation of some sort and everything would become completely clear.
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