We were halfway through the latest episode of the O.C. and I was on to my second bottle of wine. I had already downed the white zin and was working on the chardonnay. Somewhere between Ryan's bad boy squint and Marissa making out with a girl, our conversation took a random turn.
"You have sex toys?!" he asked, his eyes wide as saucers.
"Yeah." I said. "Is it that much of a surprise?"
"Well...I dunno...um....well." he stuttered, avoiding my glance. He stared down into his beer bottle as he fiddled with the label.
"Girls have their needs too, you know." I said matter-of-factly, pausing the VCR (the beauty of recording shows!).
"Oh, I know. It's just...well...I thought you women kept that stuff secret." He lowered his voice when he said 'secret.'
"Well I guess some of us do. Me, I could care less. Why should I keep it hush-hush? Yes, I masturbate like every other person in the world. And yes, I own a sex toy or two." I said, laughing into my glass as I gulped some more wine.
"Hmmm." He paused as I got up for a refill. "So can I see them??" he finally asked.
"Sure, why not." I grabbed my glass and headed for the bedroom. He jumped up and followed.
"Ta-da!" I said as I opened my drawer, pulling out the little purple vibe.
"What is it?? It looks like a butterfly." He examined it but kept a safe distance.
"Yeah, it is a butterfly. This end goes..."
"Yeah, yeah...I get it!" he interrupted.
"I also have this." I said as I pulled out the phallic shaped vibe.
"Whoa," he said as he took a closer look. "That's kinda big."
"Nooooo. It's normal size. You think that's big? You poor thing!" I said, laughing and glancing down at his crotch.
"Hey now. I didn't mean it that way."
"Right. Here, hold this for a second," I said, shoving the vibe into his hand.
"Thanks." He examined it in his hand and turned the dial on the bottom. It began buzzing. He looked surprised and dropped it on the floor. The batteries flew out, scattering across the floor.
"Intimidated?" I asked smugly.
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
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