Morning Rant

This morning, I am gently awakened by the soothing sounds of the rain on the pavement outside. I look at the clock and it's 7:07am. Fuck. My alarm goes off in 10 minutes. (Yes, I set my alarm clock to palindrome numbers. My neurotic friend got me into this practice. Don't ask.) I'm lying in my bed, desperately wanting to close my eyes and have the rain lull me back to sleep. My dog starts munching on herself and won't stop. Get dog moisturizer, I think to myself before dragging myself out of bed.

The rest of the morning is as any other. I spend five minutes distracting the dog so I can hide her tennis ball before I take her out. She will roll that ball around outside for ten minutes and not go "potty." Consequently, we will spend another ten minutes outside so she can actually do what we came out to do. Consequently, I make like Dale Jr. and drive 150 mph to work, running over elderly ladies in their Buicks and dodging the dump trucks. But I digress.

Well, the dog does her business in an oh-so-efficient manner (YAY!), I come up with a clever away message for AIM (anyone who's anyone on my buddy list makes damn sure they have a good away message as we're all compulsive away message checkers), and gather up my essentials. And I have five minutes to spare! I may actually make to work on time today without morphing into the Budweiser car.

All is clear on the roadways! Everyone must have decided to stay home since it was raining; those little old ladies hate to get their hair wet. That is until I get to 75 on-ramp. Lovely. We're going 30 mph getting on the highway. The whole reason we drive is to get places FASTER! We're not driving in snow here, people. It's just rain. I finally get into the passing lane and we're going at a reasonable (but still slow) 60 mph. Brake, accelerate, brake, accelerate, brake (til we're almost stopped!), accelerate. This continues for the next ten miles. I approach my exit and maneuver into the right lane. I can see it! It's soooo close! At that exact moment, everyone slams on their brakes again. It is raining and the roads are a bit slippery; a light tapping of the brakes will suffice to slow you down (granted you're not riding the ass of the car in front of you). Not today. Today we must stand on our brake pedals and in turn everyone behind you must do the same to avoid a thirty car pileup. I brake, hold my breath, and hope I don't turn a 360, taking out every car in my path. I finally get off the exit and it's smooth sailing. Alas, despite my efforts, I am still late for work.

I hate rainy mornings!!!! I hate elderly drivers even more!!!! Sorry Gramps.