Happy Friggin' Valentine's Day

As most single people on Valentine's Day, I really despise this commercialized holiday. I just don't get why we need to specify a holiday to tell people they love them and shower them with gifts. I think it's a conspiracy started by Hallmark. So here are some alternate things you can do on Valentine's Day rather than partake in the usual nauseating kissy-huggy-snuggly-cutsie V-Day activities.

Venerate it: Celebrate something else that happened on 14 February instead: The Saint Valentine's Day Massacre, the first successful kidney transplant, Dolly the sheep, the first cloned mammal was euthanized...

Agonize over it: Rent a bunch of the sappiest, romantic movies you can find. Become angry at how easily people find love in the movies. Throw your snotty tissues at Meg Ryan and Julia Roberts whenever they shed a tear.

Love it: Surround yourself with pets. Talk about unconditional love.

Evade it: Leave town, or draw your curtains and sit in the dark with your favorite tub of Ben and Jerry's. Avoidance is your friend today.

Nix it: Look up a few of your scumbag exes and call them. Remember that you loved these low-lives at one time. If that doesn't destroy your desire for love and romance, nothing will.

Touch it: What better time could there possibly be for a masturbate-a-thon? Self-loving is the way to go today.

Imitate it: Send yourself a few dozen flowers, cards, candy and cutsie plush bunnies or teddies. You might as well love yourself even if no one else does.

Negotiate it: Hit up the pawn shop and see how much money they'll give you for the microscopic diamond ring or the tarnished gold necklace your exes gave to you. Splurge on a singles' vacation to Cancun, Fiji or the Bahamas.

Explore it: Look forward to tomorrow when you can indulge your fetishes and search the sales for silky heart panties, fluffy handcuffs and all things pink - all at half price!

Succumb to it: If all else fails you could always succumb to those cheesy commericial ads for those who found their "true love" and compose a personal ad or five on Match.com, Iamdesperatenow.com, Mylastresort.com, Meetsketchypeople.com and Ugliesgalore.com. Maybe this time you'll really find "the one" but don't bet on it! I know this.