I wish I knew what I know now...

By the looks of it, I'm not the only one going through a "dry spell." Yes, that's right folks, I'm not getting any! Sure, the showerhead, the vibe or good ol' manual will do the trick, but I want a real penis. If only I could go back to those over-sexed days in high school where "the boy" and I had sex in every place imaginable...the back seat, the front seat, the bathroom countertop, the bathtub, the living room couch, the living room floor, with the parents in the next room, with people in the same room...we couldn't get enough. If I only knew the deprivation that would follow years later...well, let's just say I probably wouldn't have been walking normal.

It's not like there is no sex to be had, 'cuz there's been plenty of opportunities. I'm just really picky about whose penis touches me and there are lots of bodily features that creep me out. As I've mentioned before, excessive body hair makes me quiver in the worst way. I feel like I'm being sexually ravaged by an ape. Big beer bellies aren't too hot either. There's something about a big, jiggly belly slapping against my skin that can make me drier than the Sahara. Hands are another big problem for me. Put a beautiful man in my bed, but if his hands are dirty, his fingers pudgy or his fingernails too long (or chewed off), one of us will be gone faster than a two-pump chump.

I know all of this sounds really superficial and nit-picky, because it is. And I've tried to be more forgiving if someone doesn't exactly make me weak in the knees because I know I'm not a supermodel myself. But in the end, it's always about what will send me over the edge...and what fun is it to settle for less?

P.S. If I should ever be cursed (God forbid) with a one year dry spell, I might just eat all my words, close my eyes and fuck it!